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Sexy Princess Peach
I received a mysterious USB from an unknown person I knew whom no one will ever know. I plugged it into my computer and everything turned blood red. I waited for 45 minutes and 33 seconds before the screen finally unfroze. I thought to myself, It's just a game. It can't be haunted right? I opened up the folder and found one item: sexy_princess_peach.FLV. I was actually really excited to play it because I'm a huge Mario fan and I've had a crush on Princess Peach since I played Super Mario Bros II. I don't know how old I was because I'm only aware of time through video games. Donate to the Kickstarter if you want to read the creepypasta about how that happened to me. Anyway, I found the title to be strange. I thought, I don't think this is a licensed Nintendo game. They never use Flash. The word Sexy didn't raise any red flags though. After all, Super Mario is called Super Mario, so it makes sense for Princess Peach to be called Sexy Princess Peach when she's the protagonist in her game. I know feminists probably hate it because they think sex is bad and men are bad, but I found the use of the word to be very progressive. I clicked on the file and a strange black screen appeared for just a split second. I'm not even sure I saw it. It was a little black window. I know it sounds like a command prompt, but it was different. There were strange eyes peering at me through the darkness of the window. Bowser's eyes, maybe? I had a boner up until that point, but I was at best half-chubbed after that creepy sight. The game opened in a 800x600 window in the middle screen and there was no option to make it full screen. That horrified me. My eyes went bloodshot from just two seconds of focusing on the tiny window, but I persevered. The title screen was in the style of the original Super Mario Bros, but pink. When I clicked start, Princess Peach floated gracefully across the screen for world 1-1. To my surprise, in-game, the world was in fact in the hyper-realistic style of Super Mario Bros II rather than the original Super Mario Bros. Everything looked a lot girlier, too. As soon as I started moving the character, I was stopped by a textbox and Bowser walked on screen. I thought, Woah, I'm fighting Bowser already? This is a hard game. Peach looked up at Bowser as he stood close, and then Bowser dropped to his knees. What?! There was a twist this early in the game, a twist that defies the paradigm of the Super Mario Bros mythos? Blood started pouring out of the USB drive, plugged up by the USB like a finger in the dike. I was really starting to doubt that this was an actual Nintendo game. Peach turned around and presented her finely-dressed ass to Bowser's face. I never realized before just how big of an ass she has, but damn, she is thicc. I wished I could be Bowser in that moment. I wished that so badly. If any fine-ass ladies want to be my Princess Peach, send a PM, but only if you're ddf. I might settle for df. You can guess which d I've omitted. If you haven't guessed, let's just say I don't mind a mushroom power-up. Anyway, she shoved her ass in Bowser's face. Her realistic 8-bit face with two pixels for eyes looked incredibly aroused and I heard a digitized, feminine moan. Bowser nuzzled her ass. If he was doing anything else, I couldn't see it because his face was partially obscured by her bubbly asscheeks. Just then, I heard a sudden, violent rumbling sound and the screen shook. It was like an earthquake or an avalanche. I thought that was what was happening. Then I noticed the toxic green, hyper-realistic fart clouds emerging from Peach's ass into Bowser's face. When I say hyper-realistic, I mean they actually moved through the air like real gas. Bowser's nose was partially plugging the hole, so the gas had to leak around his nose like steam out of a high-pressure pipe. I said outloud, "WTF?" I didn't say the words. I used the acronym. It's a bad habit. Why was Peach farting in Bowser's face? Why would she do something so ungraceful, so unladylike? I feel like even Bowser would be embarrassed if he did something like that, but Peach was giggling! I heard a low groan from Bowser, but he wasn't trying to get away. Did he... enjoy this? Could it be that this game was trying to tell me something? That Bowser never really kidnapped Peach, but Peach visited him of her own free will to let him huff ass gas? A sniff. Bowser sniffed the fart from her ass. That confirmed all my suspicions. She was his fart mistress. He was her fart slave. Mario was just a pawn in their chess game of sexual roleplay. Then the game emitted a sound that literally broke my eardrums and made my ears bleed. When the shock wore off, I saw Bowser flying into the distance just like he'd been KO'd in Super Smash Bros. That power! A random thought came to me just then. Peach's hovering mechanic. Was it really the aerodynamics of her dress that allowed her to hover, or was it a long, sustained fart keeping her airborne? It would explain how she maintains a constant height, but only for a limited amount of time. She squeaks it out as long as she can. It also explains her ass-based attacks. The heart that appears when her ass connects with an enemy... is that supposed to actually represent a loving fart? Is that the family friendly way of showing fart fetish? Does she in fact fart twice in quick succession, once to propel her, and once to fart in a face? It was all very confusing. I'll never be able to look at the Peach amiibo I got with a copy of Mario Party 10 again. As I continued to think about it, each question that came to me got an immediate answer. How does she fuel these farts? Well, she has an excellent diet for farting. She can pull big vegetables from any ground, even stone or pavement. It must be sheer practice from picking so many vegetables to fuel her gassy needs that has given her the ability to manifest them with her mind. She also eats super mushrooms and, courtesy of her final smash, giant peaches. Wario is not the true fart protagonist of Nintendo. He's a young padawon compared to the Jedi master that is Princess Peach. This is embarrassing to admit, but even though my boner completely vanished, it came back harder than it ever was before. It was absolutely rock hard, hot, and veiny. This might be a spooky detail, but it's necessary to describe how much I liked Peach's personality and how I'd like to maybe eat cake and drink tea with her in her castle. No, fuck the facade. I wanted to fuck her. I wanted her to fuck me. I wanted her to KO me with her farts. I wanted to live in her castle like a Toad and be her little fuckboy and I would've let Bowser deepdick me if that could happen. That's how horny I was. I wanted to eat those nasty farts right out of her ass... Then she looked at the screen. No, she looked through the screen. She was looking at me. Right in my eyes. I locked eyes with her pixelated ones. I know you'll think this is crazy, crazier than a victim of a haunted N64 cart, but I'm not the pussy slayer that most creepypasta writers are. I'm a little shy. I'm a little awkward around girls. I didn't know what to do when she looked at me. I didn't have to do anything. She made the first move. She winked and blew a kiss in that dainty way, and a little pink heart appeared when she did it. I was just thinking, Okay, wow. She's actually into me. This flatulent goddess thinks I'm worthy enough to worship her stinky rear. I couldn't take it anymore, saying, "Please, Princess. Take me. Drag me into the game or come into the real world. I wanna be with you. I wanna fuck the shit out of you. I wanna put a baby in you. I want you to sit your pregnant ass on my face and actually give me inert gas suffocation from inhaling nothing but pure fart for hours on end." She put her hand to her lips and made her surprised face. I couldn't tell if I said all the right things or all the wrong things. Then, she look sad. She had a pensive look on her face and didn't say anything for 2 hours until finally she said, "There's only one way we can be together. You have to put the game on a satanic alter, cut your chest open, and bleed out onto the game. I'll do the rest." So she was actually a demon. Maybe she's a succubus, but that doesn't change the fact that I was, still am, and always will helpless against her charms. She had me. She's got me. I'm hers. I'm gonna do it. The preparations are complete. I'm going to spill my hyper-realistic real life blood. Don't try to stop me. Be happy for me. I've finally found a true purpose in life, to be her seat. I wanna huff her farts and make her happy, guys. Tell my story.